After a week and a half of holding onto this final puzzle piece I am now emotionally ready to release the final surprise part three to The Seat Filler.
How long can you go 100mph before you get a ticket? I feel like we are traveling at such a monumental pace that we are bound to be pulled over or crash and burn. The reality is I’m playing with fire and I often do because I feel most at home doing so, the likelihood is we will crash and burn one day, BUT I will be one of those survival stories walking away with only a few scratches. I came to the conclusion that my heart will heal and new opportunities will arise and replace what is lost.
As much as I absolutely hate to admit it he is special to me and what makes it more difficult to own is that I question how special I am to him. Many times I feel like another number in line at a bakery and other times, from his own words he wants to take on the world together and “manage each others careers” and be “unicorns” I feel the pull of these two extremes like I’m nothing to him, all the way to a place I think is a lot for me to digest.
Katie Costello sings the lyrics “Nobody’s perfect.Thank you for reminding me again, my friend, When we would lay with my face in your neck I would confess there’s no place I’d rather be, And I can’t convince you to not make me cry” his imperfections allow me to hate him just enough to remind me of reality, that this is and will only be a period in our lives. The first time I heard this song three weeks ago I knew she captured perfectly the internal feelings I had about our friendship. And weirdly enough the other night we were laying on my living room floor lost in a daze and this song played from his phone. It was like a sign encouraging me to release this final piece, this final post, a conclusion of my feelings on “us.”
I remember the illusion he saw from the first time we’d spent time together alone. I was this leggy, glammed up, very obviously trans girl, who naturally attracted lots of attention and looks from the people around us. He knew very little about me and I knew very little about him. I seemed unbothered and nearly unaware of the attention I attracted, the same attention he couldn’t help but to notice and marvel at. I believe what was more intriguing to him was the lack of awareness I had to the whole situation simply because it was something that I’d grown accustom to. He tells me he still has a similar image of that girl, but now he realizes she’s a woman. He attracted to the confidence that I exude.
Recently he pointed out to me that he’d been pushing for my friendship for sometime and my reply to him was “Um no you have not,”. When he began to point out the ways and times in which he tried to reach out to in hopes of building a bridge I realized that I unknowingly put up road blocks. I was so used to protecting myself and maintaining this distance from people and especially black men, my mind has learned to function on auto pilot and it became a second nature. It forced me to think about how many other times I may have unknowingly pushed people away.
More than a year after the first time he and I spent time together I’ve grown from this girl into a woman. A woman he (says he) loves, the woman who has created The Cis Jungle in efforts to support her community and be a bit more transparent and unguarded. Now he sees through the initial illusion he had of me and this now known reality of me he finds even more appealing and alluring.
I am learning to let go and allow the the future to predict the future.