For nine months I forgot. The hurt was so intense I stepped away from the one thing that always ground me; writing. The day I stepped away from writing I began to lose myself more and more and it became harder and became increasingly more difficult to pick up a pen (or a keyboard) and get back to writing. The last time I wrote was in January about the Brown Bronx Boy, whose birthday is ironically today, the first time I have had the courage to write all year. After three years of trying to figure shit out figure my life out figure out who I was what I was doing where I needed to be and the things that made me happy. I began this year at an ultimate low
Recently I turned 26 something I dreaded because I saw was myself aging and the things I wanted and so deeply desired in life still unattainable. I spent my birthday in the peace of my own company doing what I do so well meditating on thought, eating burgers and shopping. I have had luxurious birthdays spent on vacations wearing hundreds of dollars’ worth of fashions on rooftops and by the pool, surrounded by tons of people and I have had birthdays where I was too broke to leave my house. This birthday I had the resources and agency, to do virtually whatever I wanted, but I didn’t feel need to fill that space with things I thought I should be doing or things to distract me from feeling. I felt whole, I felt fulfilled
And now at his point in my life caught in between being jaded and bound by the expectations of reality society and life but still being young and carefree enough to be relevant, I feel an ultimate freedom. I am better than I have ever been, I am more beautiful than I have ever been, feel the most beautiful I have ever felt. I am wiser, more experienced I am more grounded emotionally, socially and financially than I have ever been in my life. And the greatest part of it all is I did this. I made this happen. My closest friends always tell me the one thing they admire about me is my ability to take cover shit in glitter and transform it into gold.
My life is a story, a story made for books for screens, for public consumption and I am going to tell that story by returning to what I do best, write. I am a writer.