It had been over an hour from when I’d first entered the shower. And I was still sitting in the same position my face blank unchanged,unamused waiting for death to come and take me from my misery. Yes anyone who knows me knows I am dramatic as hell, but in that moment my current feelings weren’t developed over me simply not getting my way but rather because this life awarded to me as a black trans woman was too much. It felt (and often still feels) like a curse. I hated me I hated me, I hated the people around me. “Weezy”was his name, yes all of this over a boy.
Fast forwarding to this morning waking up in a hotel in upstate New York with a man I barely knew laying asleep next to me. It was five thirteen a.m. and I had a moment of clarity I’m not sure why it arrived at that moment this day in another state while in bed with a boy, but it came to me, my realization of a need to apologize. Though this clarity came to me this morning, for the past several days I’ve been in a zone. Not disengaged or completely out of touch but rather just reserved and reflective. Perhaps it was the hormones I’d taken a break from and recently resumed. Perhaps the hormones just centered me and left me harmonious and focused I’ve noticed since restarting I felt less anxious and the depression that occasionally crept it’s way into my life at least for now subsided almost as if the hormones were some major patch. I have to apologize to my readers for slacking on this story; this mini series has taken months to come to an end which was not my original intent. It’s been harder than I expect to allow myself to be vulnerable and authentic in my writing. I was scared and had not yet worked through the pain and sorrow in was experiencing so putting of writing and procrastinating came easy and for this I apologize. I also need to apologize to guy I will refer to as “weezy” who is not the only man who will be discussed in this final multiple part topic, but he is the main subject and inspired the As Far As Love mini series itself. I want to apologize to him for obsessing and not letting go I won’t get into the details about how I held on to him but even keeping him as something to mourn over is a disservice to him. The final person I need to apologize to is myself. I’ve held onto this for way too long and it’s been weighing on my spirit. I never allowed myself to heal and move on, to be free. But by the end of this final multiple part post I will be healed I will be free.