I was silent the entire day, just waiting to get home. My friends always know when there is something wrong with me because I all of a sudden turn into a mute. Silence was characteristic I never had naturally. I was always the very vocal very bright and shiny person who was described with having a big personality and a filling presence. Which is why it makes people so uncomfortable and in some cases even irritated when I sulk because it makes a space empty.
At the time I was living in a fraternity house full of cis white boy’s which is entirely another story for another day. I walked through the door, dropped my bags in my room and turned on the shower allowing the water to run. I walked over to the mirror staring at myself for several minutes first with slight admiration then with disgust as I began to pick apart my imperfections. I sat down in a corner of the shower holding my knees into my breasts with a blank thoughtful stare on my face as I allowed the water to run over my body, face, eyes and saturate my hair. I began to cry and I felt my soul leave my body. I sat in a pool of running water numb.