Coquettish Fetish; As Far As Love Pt. 1




behaving in such a way as to suggest a playful sexual attraction; flirtatious.


“Nah nah nah come onNah nah nah come on

Nah nah nah nah nah come on

Nah nah nah come on come on come on nah nah nah nah nah”

Rihanna playing in the background as he sits in a chair in the center of the room one hand tied behind tied down, me dressed in black lacy piece from Victoria’s Secret. Lace top thigh highs connected to garters, pointed toe leopard print pumps by Jessica Simpson. Macs Mac Red satin finish lipstick circling around him. My long stiletto nails gliding across his bare shoulders. I close my eyes to focus on his smell; his body wash of choice was always Marc Jacobs. With his free hand he grabbed my thigh/ass, you know that part right underneath your butt where it creases and folds over, he pull me closer to him and so I sat on his lap straddling him pulling his hair biting his ear brushing up against his beard as he buried his face into the side of my neck.

Rewinding back to the first time I met him, E is what I will refer to him as, we met online. He was the first guy I’d ever me online. It was June a few years back. We talked for about two weeks online and we planned to go out for dinner and meet for the first time that Friday.

He was the first guy I came out to as trans which I did through text. At this point I had to experience coming out to someone I was interested in as trans. This was that period where identifying as trans was new for me though because of my gender expression I’d been read as trans a few years at this point, but that’s another story for another day. E took my coming out to him fairly well, he wasn’t elated, but he did tell me he wasn’t closed off to the idea of dating someone trans. He told me his mom was gay and she had a partner and he had queer family members so the concept of LGBTQ people was not foreign to him. I braced myself and waited for the questions about beings that I was sure would come, but never did.

I arrived at his house on Tuesday late afternoon in Covington, Kentucky where I met him face to face for the first time. He hugged me and I followed him upstairs to his apartment which sat overtop of a bar. We sat down on the couch in front of the TV, me with my vodka and cranberry and him with his straight vodka. How we ended up in his bedroom is sort of a blur. At the time I was the dingy bitch who had no idea that Netflix and chill means let’s fuck. I laid my head on chest, his arm wrapped around me resting on my waist and we laid there for a while in silence listening to Sean Paul play from my ipad.

 “From you look inna me eye gal I see she you want me

When you gonna give it up to me

Because you body enticing you makin’ me horny

When you gonna give it up to me

Well if a no today girl then a must be tomorrow

When you fulfill my fantasy

Because you know I give you lovin’ straight like an arrow

When you gonna give it up to me”

I learned that E was not a man of many words. He looked into my eyes and I looked back into his which strangely seemed lifeless. He kissed my neck and my cleavage (or lack thereof because I was pre hormones at the time) and my spidery long curvy legs that looked even longer in the nude patent leather five inch heels I had on. I untied my J. Crew wrap dress exposing my black faux leather bra trimmed with white lace. He pulled of my lace trimmed black thong and I unbuttoned his pants. I pulled his face close to mine by his beard and our lips locked. Without breaking away from our kissing he used one of his hands to slip himself inside of me.

At this point Shut Up and Drive by Rihanna was playing, the song I’d lost my virginity to years earlier. I remember my obsession with the song and its clever reference to sex using cars as the metaphor

“my engines ready to explode so start me up and watch me go, go, go, go,

goes from 0-60 in 3.5 baby you’ve got the keys now shut up and Drive (drive, drive, drive)”

When it was over E apologized to me and I asked why and he said to me “I thought I hurt you”. He on his way to pick his brother up from work he dropped me off at home we held hands the entire drive and gave me a sloppy kiss before I left the car.

I was so obsessed with him beyond being a tattooed, bearded dark, fine as shit older white boy, he was the first guy I was with since understanding my identity as a trans person. There is something about the first person you have sex with that makes you feel connected to them, but I believe for trans people there is something about the first time you have sex with someone as your true self that gives you this feeling of connection all over again. As with Alejandro he made me feel like I was the white woman in the movies who’d be the exception and go on to explore a great love I thought he was the cure to loneliness inside of me. I was never a big Mariah Carey fan (and I still am not), but I love her song with Twista, So lonely and I’d sit alone and replay our sex in my mind while listening to this song:

“I wish that we could blow up the speakers

Over and over, tell jokes and secrets

Forever your lady, you act right then maybe

Ain’t nothing to talk about, with the music loud

So they won’t hear me say

 Ahhhh hah hah hah hahhh; come and be my one and only

I’m tired of being so lonely, come hold me

 Ahhhh hah hah hah hahhh; come and be my one and only

Wanna wrap myself around you

Whenever you wanna come make me say

Ahhhh hah hah hah hahhh” 

In the months to come we texted, talked on the phone, snap chatted endlessly, hung out, and had sex. One of the most memorable moments was about three months into what I though was a relationship. We were out at dinner talking about how he still hasn’t met my little fur ball, Grayson he wanted to know my thoughts on us. I looked at him, leaned in across the table and quote Mya’s My Love is Like…Wo:

“What kind of girl you like?

I know my looks can be deceivin’

Tell me am I your type

My main goal is to please you

What’s on the schedule tonight

Am I the reason you’ll be treatin’

I hope you have an appetite

So tell me, baby, will you come and spend the night

My love is like…wo

My kiss is like…wo

My touch is like…wo

My sex is like…wo

My ass is like…wo

My body’s like…wo

And you’re kissin’ it

So what you think of it”

Under the table I buried my stiletto in his crotch. He closed his eyes and ran his hand across my leg. When we got back to his place I turned on Sexy Silk by the lovely Jessie J and began to unzip my Calvin Klein dress that zipped from neckline to hem exposing the strappy bra and thong that was literally a triangle with a thin strap.

“Boyyyy I will be your sexy silk

Wrap me around round round round

I’ll be your pussy cat licking your milk

right now down down, down, down 

Will you be my medicine man

Put your hand on my chest feel the bump bump bump bump

Will you be my sugar rush make me get high with just one touch

A kiss can last all night

You’ll have to seduce me nibble and bite

But oh no no no

Woah woah

Go slow baby dont


Yeah I can feel it baby can you



Woah Woah Woah woah woah

Boyyyy your gonna win

Say yeah yeah yeah yeah

You’re under my skin

I’ve got butterflies within


I think I love you”
That night we had sex three times.

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