“And she knows she knows and I know she knows and deep down she knows and I know she knows and I know she knows. Well alright Oh I Oh I-I-I can’t you what you want from me but alright.” (J. Cole, She Knows)
Then there was Partition. The song I craved since the day it released, the music video was such an eye-gasm – a compilation of designer lingerie, and coquettish behavior. I appreciated many things about the music video; the narrative that stood out for me is the fantasy element. Beyoncé is sitting across the table from her man and she slips into the most vivid and stunning fantasy and at the sound of the pinging clock – the fantasy sequence. She then imagines performing in various scenes in striking attire, such as in a stunning Christian Lacroix rhinestone encrusted archived corset; an embellished Jean Paul Gaultier black body suit, atop of a piano in a gothic feeling dramatic black lace cape & black velvet corset by Thierry Muglar, in a shiny black room in Paris’ Le Crazy Horse, where wears a vintage crystal bra and suede thong displaying her ass cheeks like two round beach balls complimented with a rhinestone cap dripping with crystals; the very bare fishnet polka dot body suit by Louis Vuitton; and not to forget the iconic curvy silhouette atop of the chair in the purple lit room. And once again with the pinging of the clock she was brought back to reality. Sitting across the table from her man in her Chanel robe, La Perla negligée and red lips. Throughout the entire video she never touched her husband (with the exception of the very brief car scene where his hands were on her thighs) this video was all about the performance, the act of putting on a show, the fantasy and allure.
The fantasy and allure symbols in the video are reminiscence of a safe(r) way for me to think about H because there was not physical interaction. For those three minutes and forty five seconds I could replace Beyoncé and Jay-Z and insert myself with H, the pining clock serving as my timer to tell me it was over.
And the chorus translates so well to my reality; I wish I could tell him “I just want to be the girl you like”. On so many occasions I just want to turn to him and confess everything; to blurt out everything running through my mind. I wish I had the courage, the nerve, and the disrespect to quote Gaga to his face and say “I want your love and I want your revenge I want your love I don’t wanna be friends, Je veux ton amour Et je veux ta revenge, Je veux ton amour I DON’T WANT TO BE FRIENDS! I DON’T WANT TO BE FRIENDS! WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE! You and me could write a bad romance”.
There was a short period when I purposely refused to initiate communication with H. This was me trying recognize my place and take a step back. I wasn’t his girlfriend and I needed to start acting like it. I was approaching a new age, I was the oldest of us three and I needed to get my head out of the clouds and grow up. Sort of ignoring someone, not communicating effectively, and standoff behavior are tactics to put distance between someone and myself – though it happens in romantic encounters – it’s not necessarily exclusive to romantic encounters. Most people don’t understand why I turn so cold so suddenly, but the truth is I am just trying to protect myself from my own feelings.
“niggas say turn up, hoes say turn up only bad thing about a star is they burn up, niggas say turn up hoes say turn up only bad thing about a star is they burn up. Rest in peace to Aliyah, rest in peace to left eye Michael Jackson I’ll see ya just as soon as I die” (J. Cole, She Knows)
I held the men I dated in the past year and a half to his template. As my friend he treats me so well, better than 97% of the men I’d dated. He took more interest and remembered things; beyond treating me like a human (which you’d think would be common sense for all but it’s not). He actually cares about my feelings, he wants to know what’s happening in my world, in my space, and he encourages self-care and the exploration of my identities. He knows more sides to me than any other man I’ve ever been romantically interested in.
I am not sure whether I am projecting such strong feelings on him because he seems to be the (near) perfect model of what I am looking for in a partner, or if it is truly really him that makes me so in awe.
Do I love him? I don’t know because I’m not sure what love is.
The most fearful piece of all of this is just me and he is completely oblivious of how I’m feeling. I know H is a great guy and I know he genuinely loves his girlfriend without a doubt. I don’t want to stand in the way of it, but I think what is more important is I don’t think I could even if it tried.
“I be up so high trying to get a piece of that apple pie” (J. Cole, She Knows)
As I write this my heart races and my body goes numb knowing that one day very soon people will read this, he will read this. Right now today at this very moment I know with certainty he is with her and they could both possibly be reading this, and all of my secrets will be out, my truth will be exposed, Vulnerability in actuality and not in theory is rarely seen as beautiful or attractive.
“Since the truth keep niggas traumatized” (Kanye) this isn’t shit you admit to or write about but don’t leave me out here alone we have all been here wanting something we can’t have, something not belonging to us, but now maybe I can’t get this fucking song out of my brain.
And God how I was so afraid to admit these feelings in writing and to even indirectly admit these feelings to H through the platform of my blog, those who know me well know I run against the wind and I do it with big hair and five inch heels. Though there may be consequences this is so fucking freeing!
“Run away run away fast run away run away fast” (Amber Coffman, She Knows)
With my heart,
Christian Jackson XOXO