“Once upon a time I met the perfect guy he had the Colgate smile he had that suit and tie/ mama always said get a rich boyfriend you don’t have to love him girl you can pretend/ mama always said nice guys finish last beat him at his own game honey take the cash/ ooooohhhhhh and what a lucky girl you will be but no he didn’t do jack for me” (Acapella,Karmin)
A friend of mine sent me the link to an article titled; How To Resist White Supremacy In Your Love Life: A 5 Step guide. Initially you’d think this was pretty shady but it was real and I’d like to think even loving. I will admit I do seem to have a pattern when it comes to intimacy; white men are the ones who dominate my conversations and my love life. My intimate relationships with cis white men seem to reflect their position in society. While I don’t necessarily like that my dating life is white washed it is, the question I had to ask myself is why? Well after taking a long while to do some thinking the conclusion I have arrived at is I still have no fucking clue.
When I’m called out by my friends for allegedly only dating white men I often make the joke about my identity saying because I’m black, trans, and a woman I need someone of the complete opposite identities to balance out my oppression. Though I was joking I’m sure there was indeed subconsciously some sort of truth to it.
Because of the hierarchical patriarchy society we live in I believe it is natural to favor white cis men over any other race and identity. This doesn’t mean it’s okay, but when you’ve grown up into a racist and male dominated society it becomes a part of what you know and in many cases ultimately what you desire on some subconscious level. We are all racist and or internally oppressed some more than others but to live in a nation built from racism not be racist is to claim to be a miracle. I sure as hell am no miracle. And I think about white penises interacting with my brown body a lot, like a lot a lot. Though I like penises a lot boys with vaginas are great too. I’m not against brown penises (or brown boy vaginas) by any means but that’s not something that presents itself to me. In general I am really boy crazy. One of my closer friends says I am the most boy crazy person she know though as an adult I try to keep myself contained and a little less obvious but on the inside I’m like a child in a candy store, I want everybody in every color ;alabaster, sandy tan, mocha and blackberry. I have serious unresolved daddy issues, which is probably another reason I lean toward white men and try to collect boys like they’re accessories.
It’s sort of hurtful and annoying when I’m shamed for apparently only liking white men and being referred to as internally oppressed because it’s far from the complete story. The reality is men of color don’t seem to be that into me. Which I think is a topic of exploration within itself. I am definitely open to dating black men and in some ways I even prefer it, brown boys find me beautiful until they know I am trans which I believe mirrors the way people of color and specifically black communities view queer people. If you think about it in the context of when some say black men often opt for white women (who are in general cis). Well if black men are opting for white cis women which makes it difficult for black cis women then why would black men want to opt for a woman who is neither cis or white. I don’t want to lump all black men in together. I am clocked for being internally oppressed but why are the black men and men of color going unchecked? Are they not pegged as internally oppressed? And perhaps even with some transphobia and or homophobia? As a trans woman of color I don’t feel truly appreciated by any race but even if white men fetishize me because of my brown skin and trans body at least I am wanted. This is more than I will say for any other race. With that said I don’t settle for fetishism which is why I remain alone.
I think a part of my attraction to cis white men is their power which a piece of their privilege. Maybe I view this as a subconscious survival tactic seeing cis white men as security, power, and affluence. Their dominate and respected identities give me a break from my oppressive and misunderstood identities. I am attracted to the simplicity and ease, they ability to navigate the world untarnished unchecked and maybe if I mate with someone who holds these identities I too can become respected and seen as exceptional. Exceptional is lonely but so is where I am right now. I am alone and occasionally lonely so I may as well be exceptional and wealthy and secure and powerful. These are subconscious workings of my mind in compilation with the truth that surrounds me.
No matter how much I talk about all the cute Indian boys in student government and the tall brown guys in black Greek Life the way they view me is not going to change or at least it appears that way. At best I am the comical friend who’s shown them that trans is sort of the new normal.
Beyond anything else I am just leery of trusting any man. I’ve been hurt and lied to so many times in the past that it has conditioned me to create a protective barrier around myself and box up my emotions as I talked about in the previous post. And at only 23 I already in many ways feel so jaded about life and about love that I want nothing to do with love anymore. Loving people and caring about people is so messy and complicated that I’d rather not deal with it at all. I’d rather fall in love with a $34,000 Valentino gown from Bergdorfs. I used to be a romantic but I longer believe in love at least not for a girl like me.
“You and me are through though so watch me do it solo Imma do it acapella” (Karmin)
Next topic: She Knows; As Far As Love