“All Day ni**a
How long you ni**as ball?
All Day ni**a
How much time you spent at the mall?
All Day ni**a
How long it take you to get this fly?
All Day ni**a
I don’t let them play with I don’t let them talk to me no kind of way, better watch what they say to me ni**as still getting popped on a day to day.”
No matter where I go or what I do I am continuously reminded I am a trans woman of color.
Because of the adversity which holds me back I don’t have the luxury of being lazy or bad at what I do. The reality is I can neither afford to be unattractive or ungroomed.
I don’t have people to depend on and few to turn to. I have to be marketable, I have to be attractive, I have to be talented capable willing to grow and learn. I have to keep my “kind so sharp I almost cut my fucking head off” (lil Wayne). Who I am and what I can do its everything I have. This is why I can relate to the harsh and uncomplicated lyrics of All Day. Because I do this shit all day everyday. I work my ass off and I spend hours putting myself together everyday because I realize it’s more than what it appears to be; to others I seem to be an extremely eager to help well dressed diversity piece but to me I realize it’s survival. I can’t even begin to go into detail about the reason behind every move I make partially because it still hurts to much to admit it to myself just yet but also because it’s not completely to do so. Maybe one day if I release a tell all book then will my actions become clear.
It’s one reason it’s difficult for me to tolerate people who can’t or don’t do their jobs because in my life I have no excuses. Society gives me very very little room to fuck up, I pay for most of the mistakes I make and I’m forced to learn from them, because I’m not given the space to continually make the same mistakes. Being black trans and a woman even when I’m right I’m still often cited as wrong and everything I do wrong is magnified and investigated.
When things don’t work out for me I can’t go home and crawl into my boyfriends arms or wipe my tears away with a $100 bill. I can’t go call up my list of friends and say why would you do? How would you navigate this because they haven’t had to and the ones who have choose to remain so far removed from their past they ignore me. I am blazing this trail solo unaware of what they hell I am doing or where I am going but stopping and not trying at all means death.
It’s even more frustrating when I have straight cis white men who say who I am and what I do gives them discomfort and whine about their whiteness. I don’t care, I live in discomfort everyday in a world which has not been built for people like me and deal with systems who oppress my race, gender, and transness.
This is who I am this is my reality at the day. I play hard and work harder All Day no breaks no rest, because unfortunately this world is no place for an unmotivated, untalented, unattractive trans woman of color.