I think it’s so hard for me to define our friendship because I don’t know how to define it, and I’m okay with that I actually like that because not everything needs a definition, not everything can be defined and when we focus so much on a definition it takes away the authenticity and integrity of the experience. We do what is right for us in the moment and that is that.
I have a habit of internalizing all of my feelings and emotions because for so long I’ve had to. I have learned to box my feelings up and store them in the closet and revisit them at the appropriate time, IF that appropriate time ever comes. I have had to ignore my emotions and suppress my inner most thoughts in order to move through the world appearing unbothered and unscathed. I adopted the persona of the Super B*tch who tries to save the world with a scowl on her face because the Super B*tch helped me survive. It’s ironic how I try to offer my life in order to help those around me but I don’t feel comfortable opening my heart and mind and accepting help. People can say what they want about the black hole in my soul but each failed romance, failed friendship, and distant family member has contributed to that hole. While at the time it was painful overall I think it has toughened me and helped mold me. The past has contributed to who I am today but I try not to allow it to rule me.
And as I write this my heart bleeds. I feel as if my insides have fallen out of me, and my heart beat races because I don’t want him to know these things theses feelings and thoughts because they will change him. They will change the natural flow of how things are. I just want things to remain as they are. The way he views me after seeing this will change our friendship for better for for worse but it will change. By telling the world this by telling him this I strip away my power, the shield I used to cover myself. Everyone will begin to see this lonely lost brown girl who disguises herself as this b*tchy, confident, well dressed glamazon. And the only way for me to recover is to prematurely forecast an inevitable end of he and I so I can say “I knew this day would come” in hopes that it will somehow ease the pain even though I know it won’t.
I have this weird one sided power struggle. I am always fighting to keep the power and he never fights back, but I feel as if I need to constantly reassure him that I can and I will fight back, I’m ready for anything he decides to throw at me. The more he shows me his love the harder I push back. He jokes and says he won’t let me ignore him because he cares too much so I better answer the phone when he calls. I’m ready for the day he calls and tells me, “Christian, I’ve found a new doll who holds my attention.” I sometimes imagine myself walking up to him and telling him we are done, I no longer want to be your friend, I no longer want to play house because I cannot lose, I cannot spare the hurt so before he hurts me, I have to hurt myself and pull the plug.
Maybe my feelings stem from the fact that I don’t feel worthy of being with someone or more so that I don’t feel like other people think Im worthy of love and being with someone and it doesn’t really matter to me so I stopped trying and have accepted it for what it is, it is reality.
He tries to offer me his love and break down the walls that surround my heart and I fight fiercely to remind him that we have an expiration date. We will not be this close forever and when he’s gone I don’t want to be left open and exposed, it’s harder to survive that way and in fact I don’t know how to survive that way. Recently I told him that children are the window to my soul, I connect to and get really attached to children, and one reason I don’t open up to his son is because I know by keeping his son at a distance it also keeps him at a distance and me in a safe and comfortable space.
I know he wants so badly to protect me as his friend, as someone he loves, as one of the important women in his life but I don’t think he realizes we can’t walk through life attached at the hip forever. He will not and and cannot always be there to heal me, I will have to do that on my own. The truth is he can never offer me what I need and I can never offer him what he needs and that’s okay, because we are who we are and we are where we are.
Look at how f*cked up and twisted my brain is, see what I have to do to survive? This is how I have to think and analyze things in order for me to cope and be okay. This is how I analyze every encounter and interaction I have with anyone. Alas this is where the b*tch is born. She (the b*tch) is a coping mechanism derived as a result of my past experiences and interactions with people. She lives so that I can live; without her I would crumble and cower, I need her confidence, I need her strength. I allow her to join me everyday in life because I need her and I even to an extent love her. My sub conscious has manifested her; she was created to take care of me in attempt to compartmentalize the agony and heartbreak I’ve experienced in over two decades of life. And as my friend he tries to fix that by showing me love and affection but it is not that easy to undo over twenty years of hurt.
And I want to be clear that I’m not trying to throw shade at him or downplay his role in my life but these are just my feelings and understanding of who we are together and maybe even my way of coping with my reality. At the end of the day I know in his life I am nothing but a seat filler for someone that will eventually replace me and I find comfort in that, comfort in knowing our destiny. But his seat will be filled in my life as well, likely with designer clothes and maybe children of my own one day. That’s how life works, we all find soul-mates whether they be human or material.
In Hollywood seat fillers don’t get paid they are paid with the experience of doing to job. And that’s what I gain from this, the experience and pleasure of knowing him and temporarily filling a seat next to him that was once empty.
I am Christian Jackson, professional seat filler to the stars.