“I woke up I was stuck in a dream………We all know how to fake it baby…..”
I am stuck inside a fantasy, one that keeps me alive. A fantasy where the music never stops, where the fashion never ends and I am the only one that exists except those who I occasionally allow to slip through the cracks to sooth an aching loneliness. I now get why I can’t leave the house without make up, it has become my identity, a mask to hide the pain and disfunction. I’m 2 months behind on my rent, almost 3 and absolutely nowhere left to run. I’m trying to keep up with every bill I have and continue to provide myself with the health care I need, my hormones the only thing that aids me when I feel alone and lost. The same trans women of color who call me “sister” and “friend” who promote this idea of unity and sisterhood ignore me and fail to support me. I’m navigating this world alone as hell, no family to give a d*mn, few “friends”, no degree and a cat. Fashion, music, hormones and my cat being my top priorities.
In this world, in the trans community I feel like I’m in a zoo, the token black trans girl being pounded with questions, statistics, called out as a sex worker, gawked at harassed and ignored. “[They] came to see me in my black skin, number one question they’re asking, f*ck every question you’re asking!” (Kanye West). I’m tired of the stigma I just want to live. I write this sipping on a cup of black tea that doesn’t even begin to compare to the blackness of my stained soul from years of hate, oppression, self doubt, confusion, worry and emptiness.
Don’t be surprised if you close your eyes to sleep and when they reopen I am no where to be found. Somewhere out of arms reach with my six pound ball of fur strapped to my side. Possibly hiding behind oversized sunglasses soaking up the California sun once again or maybe a hidden location in the back woods of Montana where no one will ever find me. This place, this physical location has nothing left to offer me, but mixed memories and a book full of learned lessons. I can no longer continue to run in circles like some entrapped mouse on a wheel.
Messy right? I know it is, that’s why for so long chose not to disclose it, no one wants to hear this,it’s draining and disturbing, “This is that f*ck up your whole afternoon sh*t.” (Kanye West) Stories like mine are the ones the ruin your day. The last thing people really care to hear about is the messiness of your life so I don’t share it. Not because I am ashamed of what life has done to me but rather because it’s a lot to digest for myself let alone other people and ultimately if there is nothing you can do for me there is no sense in causing people to worry.
Laura Welsh says it perfectly “I want to love you but I’m just to cynical” it’s so hard to believe in people hard to know what’s real and what’s not. I am seriously cautious about allowing anyone in my life, allowing anyone beyond the walls I have built to protect myself which is probably another reason I choose not to share things with people. I don’t trust my friends, it feels unnatural to me whenever I used the word friend to describe someone. I don’t trust easily, I don’t let go easily, I don’t love easily. In fact today I verbalized to someone for the first time ever that I always secretly cringe on the inside when I say “I love you”,because that means they know I care and caring is vulnerability something is foolishly equate to weakness. I am the most comfortable alone, I’d rather go the journey alone and at the end of the day these problems are my problems and no one else’s. No one can or will save me I have to save myself.
After reading and taking in what I’ve written so far I do want to clarify; I am okay. I will be okay. I though about toning this down to make other people feel comfortable but my goal is not to make other people feel comfortable it’s to be real. This is in no way a cry for help, or lobbying for pitty, I am just doing what I’m always encouraging other people to do, be real and be authentic. This is my reality, I’m not perfect, my life isn’t perfect, and I am doing what I can to move forward. I am human and I do grow tired like everyone else, but I know I cannot rest and I don’t have time to be depressed. I MOVE FORWARD. I GET OVER IT. My life is my responsibility no matter how many bad things happen, no matter how much negativity and hate is thrown my way I have to move forward and move on.
“You are not the product of your circumstances. You are a composite of all the things you believe, and all the places you believe you can go. Your past does not define you. You can step out of your history and create a new day for yourself. Even if the entire culture is saying, ‘You can’t.’ Even if every single possible bad thing that can happen to you does. You can keep going forward.”
I’ve just come to the conclusion that perhaps the Midwest is not where I am supposed to be at this current point in my life. Maybe the reason that I continue to fail here is because the universe is encouraging me to go beyond what I know and allow myself to be in a new environment and space that is foreign to me, one that challenges me and pushes me to grow. I know that these failures are not the end for me and I will not allow them to be the end. Don’t cry for me, don’t fear for me because I try not to cry for myself or fear for myself, I pray. Pray for me to whatever God or higher power you feel connected to. Pray for equality and justice and strength for all of us.
One positive about putting everything on the table and out in the open is that it is freeing as sh*t! There’s nothing left to suppress or talk to people in circles about. You know the truth you know what you wanted to know. Call off the doctors, therapists, and the psychoanalysts no need to worry I’ve got this. This is just me being real and honest. Sh*t just got real…….
Welcome to The Cis Jungle…..