Remaining completely honest and transparent about my feelings and experiences with my own body image it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I don’t think that my thoughts and feelings are uncommon as a trans person. As a human being it is natural to feel a sense of dissatisfaction with who you are because the end goal is often only an illusion. Its impossible to live up to the unattainable images our mind and culture produce. I refuse to say that my emotions and desires do not feed into the patriarchal hierarchy society because to an extent they absolutely do. Everyday I am faced with the reality of my body and images of what it could or should be. Being trans is all about the disconnect between your true identity and the body you were born in so I believe it’s a massive understatement to say that many trans people suffer from a lot of body anxiety.
All my life I’ve sort of struggled with my image. I started as a really thin child with a large head and full lips and as I got older I put on more weight. I was never rotund but I did have a short lived period in the husky section and I was bigger than I wanted to be.
I’ve spent a countless number of hours in the mirror examining my body and now as a woman I do the same thing. Several times a day I stop and glance over myself in the mirror directly outside my bedroom door. I stare in reflection of my naked body that was once a size 12 and slimmed down to a size 4 but has managed to sneak its way up to a current size 6. Why do my hips have to be so bony and narrow, my ass with more jiggle than a plate of Jello and my stomach not as flat or sunken in as it once was. While it has the inward curve my waist does not reflect the tiny hourglass figures that fill social media. I’ve spent a lot of time pondering over what I wish my body was and what in reality it may never become.
Hormone replacement therapy can be an aid that helps some trans and non binary people feel at ease with their bodies, but medical care is not accessible to all trans people. Even with the use of hormone replacement therapy progress is slow and results vary for each individual. That’s the piece I fear the most, “results vary”. I yearn for assurance and certainty and hold a fear of the person that exists within me never being able to surface.
I’m not sure how much time other trans people spend thinking about the possibilities of blending as cis but I used to think about it a lot and sometimes I feel ashamed of myself for thinking about it but I shouldn’t, it’s my truth. It’s not that I have an issue with being trans but I’d like the privilege of being able to move through the world unbothered and a little less judged. The opportunity at a fair chance and to be seen as a person, the woman I know I am, rather than to be “othered” and checked and reduced everywhere I go. I do recognize that during this time where I live visibly as a trans woman and possibly never having the privilege of blending the experience is humbling. You learn so much about yourself and the people around you, how the world operates and treats others who are less than, but in the process you gain resilience. I’ve learned to take moments to step outside of myself and live my reality one moment at a time.
When I look at my physical self I often have to remind myself that I only started hormone therapy less than a full five months ago and I am literally only on half of the dosage I will be on 7 months from now. No matter how much I change or don’t change I am still me and I am beautiful. I deserve to
be happy and proud of the body I do have. I also recognize my privilege in being able to medically transition. I must first appreciate who and where I am to fully to understand the gift of new life I will have once I fully transition not only physically but mentally as well.
Everyday I fight for my womanhood as I set my curls in rollers the night before, as I dress in the the morning and put on the corset that cuts into my skin but snatches in my waist, as I pull the Victoria’s Secret panties over my thighs that once had a gap but now touch, as I gloss my eyes with Dior mascara and my lips with shades of red, and as I slide my painted toes into size 11 six inch stilettos and look into the mirror a final time before walking down the stairs I assess myself and cling to these symbols of my womanhood and attempt to regain control of my world. In the end I am thankful for the power of proclaiming my identity and reinventing myself physically and mentally because I have taken that power away from society who tried to label me and I create my own label.
Next topic: Gender Identity vs Sexual Orientation