Thank you for celebrating this two year anniversary with us over the past 12 days! Happy Transgender Day of Visibility!
In The Cis-Jungle, everyone wants to be an individual and be different, without making a difference to the status quo. But then there are those that shine brighter than the status quo, but that shine is often birth from rejection and fear by people who don’t understand the nature of accepting people that don’t mirror them – the status quo.
The status quo are cis-gender people that live their lives in freedom from being rejected from housing; being rejected from medical services; being rejected from employment; being rejected from their family, because they are the norm – the status quo. For those of us that are not the status quo, the gender non-conforming people; trans-people; inter-sex people; LGBTQ+ people; we have to navigate this jungle as an actual jungle that has real danger. Our lives aren’t a fictional stories like the jungle book where Mowgli find his people at the end of the story. No, in this jungle, the cis-jungle people are dying, but people are also thriving, and if you’re a successful story, there’s the concern of being tokenized, but that’s a different conversation for a later time.
That said, The Cis-Jungle is a dangerous and magical place, and maybe one day, the majority of cis-people will allow themselves to challenge the status quo, because the status quo hurt them first, then everyone else second.
I want to thank you for the past two years of joining me in celebrating identity and queerness. You all have expressed to me how powerful my writing has been to you, but I don’t think I have expressed how powerful it has been for me and what your thoughts comments and interest has helped me grow, challenged me, and validated my experiences and ability as a writer and I am thankful.
We are a community The Cis Jungle is a community and in the next twelve months I will strive to make this space more of a community space which will serve all of us with special attention being paid to black queer and especially femme persons. I do not want The Cis Jungle to be seen as my space but rather our space, our community space. I have lots of ideas and surprises that will take place in the next twelve months. When I began The Cis Jungle two years ago today I did it without the consciousness of considering the launch of this blog was taking place in women’s history month or twelve days before Transgender Day of Visibility, but I ended up in good company.
This year and every year moving forward we will celebrate The Cis Jungle’s anniversary for twelve days, one day to represent each month of the past year. The celebration will begin on actual anniversary date of The Cis Jungle, March 20th and coincidentally end on Transgender Day of visibility, March 30th. Please join us for the next twelve days in celebration as we kick off the next twelve days with contributing pieces from black queer people, videos, photos from the pst year and new posts! Please continue to read, share, comment, and help me grow.
In the words of a black woman I deeply admire “To be a black woman writer of non fiction and to be read is to truly be blessed and highly favored.” -bell hooks
Happy 2nd Birthday to The Cis Jungle!
With gratitude and love,
Christian Carmen Olivia Jane
I remember the days as a child, a teen and into my early adulthood those occasional nights when I asked and prayed to God not to wake me. I want to be so far away from the help on earth i was and in some ways am still living. I wanted to end to be peaceful and natural. Trying to cross that line between surviving and living because the only place I live is in a fantasy.
I wished for death because I was isolated confused and alone. I didn’t know where I belonged I didn’t understand who I was. I thought I was the only one feeling this pain. And now I have a much clearer understanding of who I am I still feel isolated.
I’ve spent a fair amount of time fantasizing about it and romanticizing about the idea of death by suicide. What is the purpose of life? Does that purpose vary depending upon the identities you hold? At 24 years old that felt easily like four decades.I still remain unaware of why I occupy space on this earth I am so far from who I want to be from the person I want the world to see. Part of my dilemma was I experienced so much pain in my life I wanted ironically end my life in happiness.
Long before I ever wrote it out for all the world to read I had a romantic fantasy about how I would end my own life. Before moving to New York was even a plan I knew Bergdof Goodman would be the place if ever. For as long as I could remember is always been enamoured with the iconic store perhaps most known for its grandiose and opulent holiday window displays. Probably the most glamorous store I was commoner would have access to. I’d stroll in taking in the warmth and aerodecence of the the fragrances that collided in the air. I’d smile to the make up artists and maybe even sit down to let them practice their skills on my face. Eventually I’d make my way over to evening wear and finally caress the $34,000 Valentino gown I lusted after. In the dressing room I’d take the gown and try it on. The lst garment is ever wear. Feeling the richness of the fabric on my body. I can’t take My eyes off of myself in the mirror. I think people underestimate how seriously I take the way I look it’s my lifeline the images of who I can and will become fuel me. I want to die as fabulously as I lived. Staring at myself in the mirror I’d be so happy I could die. From my purse I’d reach for a bottle and consume a fistful of pills. My body would begin to shut down and there I would die as alone as I lived looking as fabulous as I lived. I’d open my mouth and recite my last words:
“I am as vain as I allow I do hair I gloss my eyes I touch myself all through the night and when something falls out of place I take my time I put it back I touch myself til I’m on track
Up in the clouds floating higher than ever eh eh so happy I could die and it’s alright”